


Sleepless in Perpetuity

by Sammynughh



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abduction, Castiel loves peanut butter, Celebrating Sam 2017 Writing Challenge, Choices, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Feels, Family Secrets, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Parent-Child Relationship, Plot Twists, Reapers, Sleepless, Temporary Character Death, The Void, Vampires, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-04
Updated: 2017-04-04
Packaged: 2018-10-14 18:43:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10542312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammynughh/pseuds/Sammynughh
Summary: WARNING: MATURE AUDIENCEAngst, Death, Ressurection, Plot Twist, Smut, Fluff mixed in.WINCEST....BUT IT'S NOT.Wrote this fanfic for #celebratingsam writing challenge. Celebrating Sam 2017 Birthday Event. Prompt I chose was:#52 Sleepless/EmotionalSam's feeling a bit older than he is. He thinks Dean's not giving him the affections that he has in the past. It's as if he's losing the love of his life before he's had a chance to explore it. He's depressed. Dean is oblivious. He sees Sam is gloomy, but why? Sam goes for a jog and disappears. What will Dean do to get Sam back? Sleepless nights for both brothers. Only hint I'll give is Chuck does show up for some reason. I hope you like it.





	

 

 

**SAM**

  
It's like I'm just going through the motions. Soon I'll be 34 years old. Why do I feel so much older than that? I splash water on my face and look at myself in the mirror again. I look just as wore out and tired as I feel. I rub at the two days worth of hair growth on my jaw line. No. Not today. I floss and brush my teeth. One last look at the old man in the mirror that's looking more and more like dad right before I found him unconcious on the hospital floor... I look away from the mirror and those memories. Run my fingers through my hair as I grab my clothes and get dressed.

I walk into the kitchen like a zombie and pour myself some cold coffee. I put the cup in the microwave. Dean walks past me. He smells like soap and Dean. Microwave beeps and I grab my coffee.

"You look like hammered shit." Dean is staring at me from 6 feet away. I look his way and notice he's got a stern look on his face.

"What?" I take my cup of joe and sit at the table with my laptop.

Dean goes into the kitchen and starts cooking. I watch him in between articles I'm searching on line. I love watching him. He's always got such a way about things. I know his every tendency. His thoughts and mannerisms. Like right now, I know he's looking for the whisk. He's opened 3 drawers digging around.

"Dishwasher."

He looks over at me. Then at the dishwasher. "Oh yeah." He opens it and voila! He holds it up and continues on his breakfast mission. Soon he's looking for the waffle iron. I give him a few moments...

"Third cabinet to your right at your knees." Where it's always kept, jerk.

He turns and opens the cabinet. Low and behold! Dean holds it up in victory as well. I can't do this anymore. I finish my coffee and close my laptop. "I'm going for a run." I leave before he can say anything.

I grab my key to the bunker and cell phone.

"Don't you want breakfast?"

"Not hungry." I'm already up the stairs and leave before Dean can argue.

 

**DEAN**

  
I wish I knew what was wrong with Sammy. He won't talk to me. I look at my digital clock by my bed. 5:08am. Sam will be up for coffee and a morning run. I get up and shave then shower. I get dressed and head for the kitchen. Sam's already in there. He's gonna drink cold coffee from last night. Great. (Sigh)

Sam is standing by the microwave and his eyes are sunken in. His face is unshaven for days. His hair is everywhere. This isn't the Sammy I know. "You look like hammered shit."

"What?" Sam stares at me and I stare back. I don't want to fight. I let it go.

Instead I decide I'll make him breakfast. That should help perk him up some. Eggs and waffles. I can't help but smile as I remember little Sammy helping me make breakfast when we were kids. Eggs cracked. Now ... where... is that ... damn ...

"Dishwasher."

...wisk. I open dishwasher and voila! I hold it up! I look at my brother and he seems, well, sad. I scramble the eggs and cook them up. Add some cheddar. What is it that has him so depressed?

I start hunting for the waffle iron. Last time I saw it, it was on the counter. I open a couple of cabinets, but no luck. I stand there a minute thinking.

"Third cabinet to your right at your knees."

I look at Sam and he looks not just sad, but frustrated. I find the waffle iron. I hold it up in victory! I finally find an outlet and plug it in.

Sam gets up. "I'm going for a run."

He looks like he's fed up with me. Is he fed up with me? Seriously?! Maybe there's something else going on. I need to talk to him. I walk out into the war room and he's already at the exit door. "Don't you want breakfast?" Don't you want to talk about this... whatever your malfunction is?

"I'm not hungry." He shuts the door behind him as he leaves. Then locks it.

"I can see that, bitch!" I pick up a book from the table and throw it.

 

**SAM**

  
Jogging usually takes my mind off my problems, but not today. Time is slipping by so fast and I'm so gutless when it comes to my brother.

I'm walking along a very long road that leads away from our bunker. I'm lost in my thoughts. I'm thinking about my future with Dean. He needs to know I have carried these deep feelings for him all my life. It's why none of my relationships ever work. Yes, Jess was murdered and I had to kill Madison because she was a werewolf that had no control. My heart can only take so much. Then came Amelia. I was healing, but Amelia was just a fill in for Dean. I ball my fist up and rub it over my chest where it aches so much. I thought a romp with Piper might help. It just made me want Dean's affections more. He didn't even seem jealous. Shit, if anything he was proud. Like a dad proud of his son losing his virginity. It was so awkward, but at least he paid attention to me for a bit.

Suddenly I feel a sharp pain in my back. I turn and I don't see anything or anyone near me. I quickly grab my phone and call Dean. It dials.

"Hey Sam. You alright? You been gone a while."

"No." I fall to my knees with phone still to my head. "I need...." I drop the phone and fall over to the asphalt road. "SAM? SAM?! SAMMY?! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I have blurry vision as a man in a suit and shiny black shoes approaches me. --All goes black--

 

**DEAN**

  
I eat breakfast alone and it was good. Even if I do say so myself. I clean the dishes and go to my room.

I open the door and just smile. You know, I love the fact I have a room that's mine. Every single piece of every thing in here is MINE. From the blade I got in Purgatory to the wad of paper that missed the waste paper basket. I grab my headphones and lay down on my perfectly made bed. Having a Marine for a dad makes you an expert on how to make a bed every morning.

Before I put my music on, I decide to check my phone messages. I only have two.

Donna Mills, the sheriff in Sioux Falls: "Hi Dean. Just wanted to let you know me and the girls are doing just fine. Hope all is okay with you two. Haven't heard from you in a while. Come by and visit when you can. Don't forget to bring back my Tupperware. Could also use you two around here for some heavy lifting. Us girls can only do so much. We miss you like crazy too. Love you kiddo. Call me!!"

Unknown Caller: "Uh, hi. My name is Matt Hastings. I got your number a while back from Bobby Singer. He helped me with a parasite problem and told me to call him or you if...it reoccurred. Please call me at 605-555-4361 as soon as you can. Thanks."

I close my phone. "Awesome!" We got a case. I get up and start getting dressed for the road.

I'm in the war room placing my duffle on the table when my phone rings. It's Sam.

"Hey Sam. You alright? You been gone a while."

"No...I need..."

He sounds faint. Like he's hurt! "SAM? SAM?! ...SAMMY?! WHERE ARE YOU?!" I listen intently. Footsteps. Someone breathing. "Sam?"

Silence.

"Who is this?... COME ON!! WHO IS THIS?!"

The phone goes dead.

"NOOOOO!!"

I run to my Baby and peel out down the road that I know Sam jogs down. I see nothing and no one. Once I'm a couple miles down the road I stop the car. I get my gun chambered then step out and walk around looking for clues. I dial Sam's phone and hear it ringing off in the distance. I run up the road and find it tossed in the bushes. I pick it up and there's nothing else. I walk back to the car and I see something shiny. It's a key. I pick it up. The bunker key. "Smart Sammy. Don't let them have a key to the bunker." I look to see if he left me any other clues.

I walked that stretch of road for hours. No other clues. My phone rings. Unknown Caller.

"Hello. Who is this?"

"Oh. Is this Dean Winchester?"

"Who's askin'?"

"I called earlier. Matt Hastings."

"Oh yeah. Matt. I was going to call you, I'm in the middle of another case. Text me your number and I'll have another specialist call you."

"What about Bobby?"

(Heavy sigh) "Bobby passed away. Just text me your info and phone number Matt. I'll get someone to help you as soon as I can."

"Ok. Thanks."

Dean hangs up and really wants to throw his phone, but doesn't. Time to call in some favors.

 

**SAM**

  
Everything's blurry. My head hurts. Same shit. Different day. Why does this shit happen to me and my family. Oh yeah, "We're chosen". More like cursed.

I look around the room I'm in. It reminds me of the prison cell the Secret Service had me and Dean locked up in for supposedly attempting to kill the President. I hope it's not those guys again.

I'm laying on my back. No chains are on me. That's good I guess. The bed is actually a bed and not a metal bench. Another plus. I curl up on my side and close my eyes. Am I ready to endure another Toni Blevins? Another Lucifer? Another Ruby? Another monster wanting me dead. A tear escapes my eye. There's no fight left in me anymore. None.

Food slides in under the door. I don't care.

Food slides in under the door. I don't care.

Someone tries talking and it's all just sound. I'm remembering good times with Dean. When I gave him the amulet and he cherished it. When he got mud all over Baby and I got home from school early just to wash it for him. I waxed it too, just like he showed me. I was 16 years old and so in love with Dean. I'd do anything for him. He woke up all covered in bruises and cuts. He limped out after I told him he'd have to come see. The sun was setting just right and it made the car appear to look like it just rolled off the showroom floor. Dean had that laugh of his as he went up to caress the finish on that sweet ride of his. Afterward he gave me a hug...no. He held me. I remember. We were inside our hotel room and he held me in his arms for a good long while. He ran his fingers through my hair and told me...he'd always be there for me. The soft kiss on my cheek and look in his eyes as he thanked me for being so thoughtful.

Food slides in under the door. I don't care.

The person trying to talk to me through the door gives up and walks away.

Time is going by, but it has no meaning to me anymore. Minutes, hours, days I really don't care. Time just seems empty. Pointless.

I think about the good Christmas times that we shared. That 4th of July we burned down the north 40. His 21st birthday when I was still 16, almost 17, but he and dad both let me share a beer with them. I got a little buzz and was teased relentlessly, but watching Dean was worth it. Dad took off in the middle of the night to hunt something. Dean got drunk and when dad was gone, Dean cuddled with me. I've never felt more safe than when I'm in his arms.

Door opens.

 

**DEAN**

  
"Cas, there has to be something? I'm going crazy not knowing!"

I've been pacing the floor of the bunker for days. With nowhere to look and no clues as to who has Sam, I'm a wreck.

"Dean, I've looked everywhere I know to look. BMOL do not have him."

I interrupt Cas before he can go any further about those asshats. "I don't trust those asshats. They had Sam before, they could've taken him again!"

Cas shakes his head, "Dean listen. Mary is at their headquarters right now using all their knowledge and equipment to try and locate Sam. I've also talked with Crowley and he assures me it's not his demons that did this. So, Hell has nothing at all to do with Sam's disappearance."

"Have you talked with angel radio? Put up a BOLO for Sam?"

Cas tilts his head and looks confused.

"Be On the Look Out. Come on Cas! Have you informed the angels that Sam's missing and to inform you or me if he's located?"

"Yes Dean. Angels might not be reliable though. As you know they still blame me for their fall from Heaven and both you and Sam for everything else."

I finally break down. My legs give out and I hit the floor. "He's gone Cas."

My guardian angel and best friend rushes to my side. "DEAN!"

"I can feel it. Sam's gone and this time he's not coming back. He's in the void and there's no coming back from there. He's all alone and what can I do?" I feel tears starting to fall. Cas wraps his arms around me, but I don't want to be consoled. I gently push him back. "Please find him. I need his body back if nothing else. I gotta know Cas. Please."

Cas brushes away my tears. "I'll do everything in my power to find Sam. You need to eat and rest. You may need to fight to get him back. You'll be no good to him in a weakened state."

I nod. Cas is right. I wipe my face on the back of my hands. "I will. Thank you brother." I hug Cas and he hugs me back. He helps me up and sets me at the table.

"I'll be right back." He vanishes and returns in less than 20 minutes with a bag of food and a drink. He sets it down. "I went to your favorite burger place. Please eat the burger at least. Then go get some sleep. I'll return in the morning with news if I haven't found him before then. Also, Crowley and his minions are on task to look and listen for Sam or word on his wearabouts. I'll check in with Crowley later."

I pulled out the burger while Cas was talking and started eating. I was more hungry than I thought. I reply to Cas with my mouth full, "Thanks for everything. I owe you."

"No you don't. Not ever." He vanishes.

I finish my food and take the drink with me to my room. I check my phone again. No messages. No calls. I lay on my bed. I text mom:

Me: "Any word on Sammy?"

Mom: "Sorry honey. We're doing all we can. He must be locked up somewhere hidden. Trying locator spells with no luck."

Me: "Love you."

Mom: "Love you too baby."

Mom: "I'm sorry."

I stare at those last two words. What exactly are you sorry for mom? Going to that farm back in 1973 when I said there was going to be a serious demon there and I was going to handle it? I drove to get Samuel Colt's revolver and when I arrived at the farm, you and grandpa were already there and messed it all up. I could have killed Azazel and maybe ended this nightmare, but no. Or maybe you're sorry for making that demon deal that brought John back to life after Azazel killed him. Sam and I would never have been born had you not been that selfish. Or maybe you're sorry for going into Sammy's nursery when you told Azazel you wouldn't when Sammy turned 6 months old. "What exactly are you sorry about mom?! Fuck!!"

I get up out of bed. I can't sleep. I know I promised Cas, but I'll sleep when Sammy's home or I'm dead.

I grab my gun and a few others and head to our firing range there in our bunker. I grab several boxes of ammo and set the guns up. One gun with ammo at each stall.

It feels good to blow off this steam. I imagine it's Azazel at one target. Lucifer at another. Alastair at the next. And then I imagine I'm shooting whatever sorry sonofabitch it was that took my brother. "Take that you worthless piece of shit!!!"

Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

The kick of a 45 revolver is something else. I feel it in my shoulder. I reel in the target to look at it. Not bad. 3 head shots and 2 to the heart. If only that thin piece of paper was Sammy's captor.

 

**SAM**

  
It's been 4 days or so I think. I refuse food or water. I'm not sure what they want. I don't care. I ignore them completely. I zone them out. I've gotten so good at zoning them out, I didn't see them come in and shackle me to the ground. I really don't care. What they don't understand is I'm already dead inside.

Dean clearly doesn't want me the way I want him. I shouldn't want him the way I do. It's sick. Gross. I'm a vile brother for thinking like that, but I can't help it. I don't even want Dean sexually as much as I want him emotionally and physically. I want him to touch me. Hold me. God, how I need him to hold me. Tell me how much he loves me and needs me. If he can't see it after all these years, it must not be there for him like it is for me. I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired. So tired...

I wake to three vampires feeding on me. One on my leg, one on my neck and one on my arm. I'm so weak I don't struggle. I see a man standing near by. My throat is dry. I croak out, "Hello reaper." He nods his head. The vamps pause a moment and decide I'm just choking. They continue. I'm so cold. I close my eyes.

Now I'm standing next to my body. The vampires pull back and lick at their lips. "He tasted different." "I know right!" They get up and leave the room.

I stand over my body in amazement. I look so gaunt like a ghost. The bite wounds are bad, but the starvation was just as bad. "I'm sorry Dean."

"It's time to go Sam."

I turn and see a reaper.

"What's your name?" I'm a bit afraid.

"Markus. Let's go Sam." He holds his hand out to me.

"Where to Markus? Heaven?" I'm hopeful.

He keeps his hand out toward me and shakes his head no. "Good news, you aren't going to Hell or Purgatory either."

I look at this reaper with fear in my heart. "The void?"

He nods. "Don't fight me on this Sam. No going back this time." He almost touches me when a bright light fills the room.

 

**DEAN**

  
It's been almost a week that Sammy's been missing. Crowley gave word to Cas that the rumor is vampires took Sam. It's just a rumor though and there have been no confirmed sightings.

I've been watching the Internet like a hawk for any sign of something that might be Sam.

Mom and I got into a fight. I yelled at her. She won't be calling me unless she finds Sam.

The bunker is clean as a whistle. All the laundry is done. I can't sleep. I can hardly eat. My chest aches.

I've been praying a lot. I mean a lot. I know Chuck hears me. Amara too. She thought I needed my mom, ha! I can't do what I have to without Sam. I feel like half of me is gone and it truly is the good, wholesome half. I'm a rotten sonofabitch. I know it and Sammy does too. With him in my life we balance each other out. I'm so out of balance I can't hardly function.

I'm scanning the Internet for anything when a bright light floods the bunker. I jump out of my chair with my gun in my hand. I start heading for the bookshelf where I have an angel blade hidden.

The light dims to normal and I see Chuck standing in front of me and on the war room table is Sam.

"SAMMY!" I drop my gun to the marble floor with a loud clatter and run to my baby brother. He's ashen gray. His lips are blue. His throat has been ripped open along with his arm and leg. I'm crying so hard as I look over toward Chuck. "Please. God please."

Chuck looks at me with compassion. He comes to me and touches my face. "Dean, your brother almost went into the void."

I'm dying inside. "If he's got to go there, let me go with him." I can't control my tears. "Wherever he goes, I need to go there too."

"I knew you'd say that. As soon as Mary died you two became bonded." Chuck tries to pull me away from Sam's body, but I won't move. "Dean I need your full attention."

He flashes just me and him to an empty bar. It reminds me of Cheers. We're seated in a booth and there's a scruffy dog laying on the bar looking at us. How odd. "Dean focus."

I look back at Chuck my mind tries to process everything. Sam's dead. I close my eyes not wanting it to be true.

"Dean this is important." I open my eyes that are threatening more tears. "There's really no easy way to tell you this. You were switched at birth with another baby in the hospital."

"What?" I'm looking at Chuck like he's nuts. "That's impossible."

"No. It's not only possible, it's true. I know you're going to be mad at me even more than you already are." Chuck gets up and starts to walk around. He seems a bit nervous about revealing these truths. "It's time you know the truth. You can decide what to do with the knowledge. It's your truth to do with as you wish. You just need to know."

Chuck grabs a bottle of water from the bar. "You want anything?"

"You're stalling Chuck." I'm irritated and anxious now.

"You're right." He takes several gulps of water. "Here it is. Cuthbert Sinclair has followed the Winchester family all these years. He and Henry were great friends. Cuthbert mentored Henry and taught him well. After all the members died and the Men of Letters disappeared, Cuthbert stayed secluded in his hidden mansion for years. His magic keeping him young and fit. He'd venture out on occasion to acquire goods and rare magical artifacts. He would also spy on Henry's son, John. He secretly sent money to Henry's wife knowing that Henry would never return. Cuthbert assumed correctly that all the Men of Letters, including Henry, had been killed. While spying on John, he saw a beautiful woman named Sylvia Campbell. Sylvia was Mary's 2nd cousin. She had the most amazing green eyes. He fell in love with her. Cuthbert came out of hiding. He started courting Sylvia about the same time John was dating Mary. John and Mary had a simple Justice of the Peace marriage after her parents died. Cuthbert takes Sylvia all over the world. They have a whirlwind love affair until she ends up pregnant. She thought he'd be happy. He wasn't at all. He thought she was using this as a way to tie him down. He wasn't having any of it. He hid her away in his mansion. Everyone figured that Cuthbert took Sylvia to Europe to live because no one heard from either of them again. Sylvia gave birth, but Cuthbert used his magic to put his baby son in suspended animation. Two months later, Mary Winchester gave birth to her son. Cuthbert used magic to invisibly switch out the baby boys who both looked like their mothers. The boy Mary gave birth to, Cuthbert carried to an orphanage several states away. The boy is alive and living a normal life."

I'm choking back tears. "My mother. Is..is she..." I can't say it.

"Yes Dean. She's in Heaven. I'm sorry."

"Did he kill her?"

"Indirectly I suppose. She died of a broken heart. He let her live with him in his mansion, but she wouldn't eat. She refused his affections. He explained he couldn't raise a child into his world of magic and monsters. She told him she understood, but she really never did."

"Chuck, you realize I brutally killed my father with the First Blade." I go behind the bar and pour myself a glass if topshelf whiskey. I mean, how am I even functioning right now?

"Dean, that man was the biological sperm donor that helped in the creation of you. Nothing more. John Winchester is your father. Mary is your mother. Please don't let that change..." Chuck places his hand on my chest. "...especially in here."

"What about all that "Michael's true vessel" crap?" I'm so confused.

"It was just that. Crap. Adam was Michael's vessel. I know how the story ends before it begins Dean. I've always known you'd never say yes. Remember you still have Campbell blood in you, however. Also, Cuthbert's family name, Sinclair is Scottish and originated as a clan of Sinclair that fought with William the Conquer that defeated England giving them their freedom. Your bloodline is special and goes back to Cain." (Heavy sigh.) "And yes, an archangel could live almost forever in your body. Just keep saying no." Chuck is whispering to himself, but I hear it, "You and Sam are so competitive."

"Sam." My heart drops. Images of his body so cold gives me chills. I wrap my arms around myself.

"You're soul mates Dean. You and Sam. One can't exist without the other. Yin and yang. I need you and Sam to fulfill your destiny. There's still plenty to be done. I need a promise from you. If you can't keep this promise, I might as well take you both to Heaven now."

"I'm still trying to hold it all together. Sam's dead. You just told me Magnus is...was my dad. My dead 3rd cousin is my mom. Mary will... oh God, Mary. What the hell? Why me?" I'm so conflicted, hurt, sad, angry and tired. I down the rest of the whiskey in my glass and grab the bottle off the counter.

"Everyone always asks that. Why not you?" Chuck gives me a sympathetic look.

I take a deep breath and let it out slow. "What now?"

Chuck snaps and I'm standing next to Sam's body again in the bunker. A whiskey bottle in one hand. Rock glass in the other.

"Now you decide. I need a promise from you or you both can hang up your super hero capes."

I set the bottle and glass on the liquor cart. I stare down at Sam's grey face. My hand goes through his still soft tresses. My tears fall. I reach over to take his hand. Sammy's hand is so cold. My heart is pounding. God needs a promise from me. I gave my soul to Hell for Sammy. All God's asking for is a promise. I'm anxiously holding my breath.

"Dean, never ever leave your other half feeling unwanted, unneeded or unloved. Promise me you'll cherish Sam. Place his thoughts and feelings up there with your own, not below yours. Can you do that?"

I wipe at a stray tear as I look at my lifeless Sammy. My fingers brush his hair as I choke on my answer. "Yes. I promise to always cherish this man. Please bring him back. I need him. I need my Sammy." I'm caressing his hair and can't stop the tears. "I love you so much Sam."

Sam starts to glow. His wounds disappear. His sunken face fills in. His chest rises and falls with life! "SAM! SAMMY!"

Quietly at first, "Dean?"

I jump up on the table and pull him up into my arms. He wraps his arms around me and it's the best feeling I've had in years. I hold him so tight to my chest. "Oh God Sam! I'm never letting you go." I'm fisting his hair as I whisper right into his ear. "I love you."

Sam holds me just as tight. "Promise?"

I pull back and look into his beautiful hazel eyes. "I promise." Then I kiss him. I press my lips to his and kiss him to let him know just how much I love him. He kisses me back and damn can Sammy kiss! It's our perfect first real kiss.

Sam wipes the tears from my face. "You've been crying. Why?"

"Don't you remember dying? Vampires kidnapped and killed you." I kiss his lips softly once more. "Chuck brought you back."

Sam thinks on this. "I remember being taken. ...oh...I remember them feeding on me and I got very cold. I saw the reaper. That was it." He holds me tighter. "Never let me go."

I can feel Sam trembling. I hold him tight. "Baby, there's no way in Hell I'm ever letting you go."

I look into his eyes and touch his face. "You need to eat." I climb off Sam and the table. Chuck has been standing there this whole time. I'm surprised really.

I help Sam get off the table. He seems a little wobbly, but he is healed and in fresh clean clothes.

Chuck makes a buffet meal appear on the library table. The three of us walk in there. We each fill up a plate with food. I grab my whiskey from the cart. Sam gets bottled water.

I sit next to Sam and can't take my eyes off of him.

 

**SAM**

  
One minute I'm about to be shoved into a void, next I'm standing in the bunker next to my dead body that's laid out on the war room table. I look around for the reaper and I don't see him.

"You won't see the reaper again Sam." Chuck is standing right in front of me, but he's also talking to Dean.

"How are you doing that?"

"I'm omnipresent. I can be everywhere at one time." Chuck touches my shoulder and I feel warmer. Better. "Your brother is just now realizing just how much he loves you. How he's in love with you. You've never been afraid of your love for him. He has been afraid of his love for you though. Ever since you hit puberty he has watched you grow into a man he loves and wants to hold, kiss and be one with. He's afraid of the incest and homosexual stigma that goes with the bond you have. I can't say the love you share will ever be considered normal. Why should it be? Look at what the two of you have been through."

Chuck grins and continues. "I'm all about balance. So, this is how I see it and I'm going to make sure you remember this. In your lives you have horrors, hate, death and trauma that this world could and would never understand. You've seen your dad die, your girl die and Dean die a lot. You've been to Hell and back, seen hell hounds in action, fought Lucifer, stopped Armageddon more than once, been to Heaven and back a lot, fought angels, demons, know the king of Hell and God, been to Purgatory, killed the alpha vampire, been recently killed by vampires and killed the mother of all monsters, Eve. Even killed Lilith and Cain. So, where's the balance? There's all this bad in your life, where's the good? The good, love, bonding, hope, life and future for you is in Dean. For Dean it's in you. My sister thought Dean was needing something more so she gave him your mother back. He didn't need her. He needs you, but he's been so stubborn about stigmas. You both need this balance. Love each other as deeply as you fight evil. Only the two of you can see these things. Good and bad. The world is blind to all of it. Remember this Sam."

Darkness... lights. The bunker.

(Gasp) I'm alive...

"SAM!! SAM! Sam! ... SAMMY!! SAMMY! Sammy!" My head is still resonating. Sounds like an echo chamber. That's Dean calling me right?

My voice is weak at first. "Dean?"

Suddenly he's on top of me, pulling me into his arms. "Oh God Sam! I'm never letting you go." He's right in my ear. "I love you."

He's holding me so tight. I hold him back as best I can. I needed this so much. It's okay if I die again as long as I'm right here. He said he's never letting me go. "Promise?"

Dean looks me in the eyes and there's so much love there. He's so sincere. "Promise." Suddenly his lips are on mine and I'm on fire. I feel the heat from my head to my toes. I kiss Dean back with all the pent up passion I've been saving just for him. His hand in my hair and the little moan he makes while we kiss is all the validation I need. His heart is mine.

We pull back from our kiss and I'm all smiles. Dean has tears all over his face. I wipe them away. "You've been crying. Why?"

"Don't you remember dying? Vampires kidnapped and killed you." Dean must see the confusion I'm feeling right now. "Chuck brought you back."

I'm trying so hard to remember. "I remember being taken. ...oh...I remember them feeding on me and I got very cold. I saw the reaper. That was it." Dean seems a bit upset. He holds me tighter.

I've needed his arms around me for so long! "Never let me go." My fears that this is only temporary start filling my mind. What if he changes his mind later?

Dean grips me tighter and sooths away my fears. "Baby, there's no way in Hell I'm ever letting you go." He's looking into my eyes and I'm lost in his gaze. A few minutes later he tells me I need to eat. My stomach growls to emphasize the point.

Dean jumps off the table and helps me down. I'm a bit woozy. There's a buffet set up in the library by Chuck.

I hesitantly give God a hug and thank him for saving my life. It's not everyday you get to touch God. Then again, it's not everyday he raises you from the dead. He tells us again that we are his favorites. I think he tells that to all his "favorite" creations he speaks to.

We sit at the table with plates of food. Dean has his ever present whiskey. I have bottled water. While Dean is watching me eat and I'm enjoying his eyes on me, I notice a jar of peanut butter on the buffet setting.

"Oh, Chuck. I have a small favor I've meant to ask you on behalf of our friend Castiel. When he was human he loved peanut butter. Now he's an angel he can't taste it like before. It's just molecules to him. Anyway, can you let him enjoy peanut butter and grape jelly sandwiches again?"

Chuck laughs. "This is why I love you and Dean so much. Sam you could ask me to grant you all kinds of things for yourself or Dean. Instead, it's a small insignificant request that could mean a great deal to an angel that sometimes feels like he's been left out in the cold.

Chuck snaps his fingers and Cas suddenly appears. "Whoa!" He looks around and spots me. His eyes fly open wide. "SAM!" He runs up to me and hugs me tight. "You're safe!"

He won't let me go. "Cas... Cas, I'm fine. Yes, I'm good." I pat his back and he releases me.

"I will go alert the others that you're safe." He's about to flash out when Chuck stops him.

"Castiel. First, I want you to try this." He hands Cas a sandwich.

I grip Dean's arm. We briefly look at each other and smile then look at Cas. Cas is afraid it's a prank. He knows us all too well. I reassure him, "Cas, I promise it's not a prank. Try it."

"I trust you Sam." Cas bites into the peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich. His eyes go wide. He sits down and takes another bite. He savors each bite as if it might be his last taste of his favorite food.

Chuck is watching this with a bit of awe.

Cas eats that sandwich like it's a precious gift and his eyes are a bit misty when it's gone. "Well, that was the best tasting..."

Chuck gets up and hugs his angel. Cas rests his head on his dad's shoulder. "I love you son."

"I love you too dad." Cas is all smiles.

Chuck lets him go. "That's not your last one. You will be able to taste those whenever you like. You won't be able to taste other stuff, but..."

Cas hugs Chuck again. "Thank you so much! That's way more than I'd ever hoped for! I feel... blessed!"

Chuck pats Cas and redirects him toward Sam. "You should thank Sam. He asked it of me and I just granted his request. Just know I'm proud of you Castiel. Keep doing what your doing. You're on the right path."

Cas gives me another hug. "Thank you for this gift Sam."

"It's one gift to another."

"You're too kind. I'll be back later." He disappears.

Chuck smiles and stands before us. He looks at Dean. "Remember your promise."

"I will." Dean has his arms around me and he holds me tighter. I feel safer.

Chuck looks at me and I look into his eyes. "Remember what I told you." I suddenly get light headed and I remember Chuck talking to me in a fog. I place my hand over my face.

Dean has his hand on my cheek. "Sam. You okay?"

I nod. "Yeah. Just a headache." Chuck touches my temple with two fingers. I'm instantly better. I remember our conversation clearly.

He makes a glass of something appear in his hand. "Drink this Sam. It's juice. It will help. You're having side effects from death. Eat and drink plenty of water. You'll be fine in three days."

I drink the juice and set the glass down. I then snuggle into Dean's arms again.

"I'm leaving again. I hear your prayers. Don't think I don't. You need something, ask. Just understand there's no guarantee you'll get what you ask for. You may get something else or nothing. I have my reasons. I just want you to know I hear you and I love you guys." Chuck vanishes.

Dean's looking at me. He's blushing and I think it's cute. "You're in love with me, huh Sammy?"

I nod. "Yes Dean. Very much so. I have been for a very long time."

Dean touches my face and I cover his hand with mine. "Why is it you pushed me away whenever I got too close? I think I know why, but I want to hear it from you."

Dean gets up and takes my hand. The bottle of whiskey in his other hand. "Come on. Let's talk in my room."

I go with him. My legs still feel a little wobbly. Dean walks slow and lets me drape my arm over his shoulders for balance. "Balance."

"What?" Dean is curious.

"I remember what Chuck told me while I was dead."

"Chuck talked to you while you were dead?" Dean's surprised.

We walk into Dean's room. "Yes Dean. He talked to me while I was dead. Chuck talked about balance."

 

**DEAN**

  
We walk into my room and I help Sam to the bed. We both lay down. I pull him onto my chest and wrap my arms around him like I did when he was little. He's sure not little anymore. I'm caressing his cheek. Memorizing every line and feature on his face. (As if I don't already have his face permanently etched in my brain.)

Sam explains "Balance" to me and I can see his point of view. "Chuck is right. I really don't care anymore about what others think. I only care what you think."

Sam sits up and looks at me. "Something's wrong. Is it us?"

I grip Sam's face and kiss him. I move my hands from his face to his shoulders and back. I wrap my legs around him pulling him on top of me. My fingers scrape over his back as we kiss and I can't get close enough. I can't feel him enough. Sam pushes back and looks into my eyes. "Tell me Dean."

"Sammy, the one thing I've always tried to do is protect you. Not just from monsters and from physical danger. I want to protect you from...everything. It's more than that." I'm getting frustrated. My heart is racing.

You take my face into your hands. "Dean. It's okay. I get it. Just breathe."

I take a deep breath and let it out. I place my hand over his. "Sam, I talked with God today." I smirk some. "He said we were made for each other. It doesn't matter that I'm your brother and that I practically raised you. You're the love of my life and I've known it for some time now." I look away and shake my head. "Why is this so hard."

"Is it that bad Dean? Will it change this?" He kisses me and I moan at the fact he kissed me. I relax and let him take the wheel. He straddles my waist and puts his hand right over my heart. His other over my jaw. His hair is a curtain around our face and it actually makes me feel like I'm his right now. Just his and I'm lost to him. Completely. His thumb sneaks into our kiss so it can press against my bottom lip. My tongue teases his thumb as I smile. He moves his thumb away.

"Sam, this can only get better. Remember my promise?" My thumb traces his lower lip. He moans and I swear we're about to get naked.

I get serious. "It's about our parents. Things aren't as they seem. I can't keep secrets from you. I love you too much. What I'm going to say might hurt a bit, but It's the...God's honest truth." I smile. "See what I did there?"

Sam suddenly sits up. He looks up toward Heaven and yells, "Chuck! Is it too late for me to take the blue pill?!"

I grab Sam and roll over on top of him, pinning him to the bed. His wrists in my hands. "DON'T YOU DARE!! You're not leaving me! Never again!" I pull his hands to my chest and fall on top of him. "No!"

"Dean! What the?!" Sam realizes he scared me. Yep. He scared me. God has the power and made the threat to take us upstairs. What's to stop him from taking Sam and leaving me in this shit hole world without him? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Sam wiggles his wrists free and rolls us to our side. He wraps himself around me. I've never felt anything like it. I'm balled up and he's surrounding me.

Sam's voice is soothing. "I'm not going anywhere."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

"What if I told you Mary and John aren't my mom and dad?"

Sam scoffs. "I'd say that they are because they raised you. No one else did."

I nod. "Okay. What if I told you Cuthbert Sinclair is my bio-dad and Sylvia Campbell, Mary's second cousin, is my bio-mom." Here it comes...wait for it...

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Sam looks at my face with disbelief and horror.

"And there it is." My tears start up.

Sam starts crying too. I immediately comfort him. "No Sammy. Don't cry. It's okay." I stroke his face.

We cry together for a while. We're thinking about how Mary and John have been so wrongfully betrayed. Poor Sylvia. What about the real Dean Winchester, wherever he is.

"Dean, we can't tell mom or go looking for her other son. Mom would go looking for sure and Dean, this guy's not mixed up in our supernatural mess. He has no idea this stuff is real. We need to keep it like that." Sam wipes my tears away and kisses my cheeks. It reminds me of how I'd do that for him as a young boy when he was picked on at school. My Sammy's so different. Yet there are times, just like now, I see that young boy and I get a little bit proud of how my little man grew up. "I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you and I love you very deeply."

I roll onto my back. "Touch me Sammy."

He gives me a dimpled grin. "Touch you where?"

I smile back. "Anywhere."

He places his hand over my heart. "Mine."

I nod. I place my hand over his heart. "Mine."

"Forever Dean. I promise." He kisses me.

I kiss him back. "Even longer than that. I promise."

Sam moves his hand from my chest to my aching crotch. I tremble at his touch. He slowly undoes my jeans and then removes them. He pulls my shirt over my head. I pull his shirt over his head. He removes his pants. He cuddles up to my side and kisses me softly.

I let Sam explore my body. He's so good at it. He's slow leaves me hard as hell. My nippled are well sucked and plucked. He kisses me like no one ever has. My hands can't stop touching his beautiful hair. He looks me in my eyes when he lowers my boxers and wraps his long fingers around my hardness. I arch my back, pressing my head back into the pillow. I almost cum from his initial touch alone. My whole body trembles. "Mmm. Sammy." He bites my lower lip as he moves his fingers over my rigid length. He makes gentle upward thrusts while he grips and works my shaft.

I reach down into his boxers. His cock is covered with pre-cum. I work his slick member while he works mine. We're face-to-face. His breath is hot and wet on my lips.

"Faster Sammy. That's so good." I groan as I pant for breath. "Love you." My free hand grips the shoulder of the arm attached to the hand working my cock. My other hand continues working on his sizable cock. I want to see the man I love shattering into a thousand pieces with me.

"Yes. Just like that Dean." He's panting and thrusting into my fist. His body's so fit and muscular. It's perfect beside me. He bites at my shoulder and I feel myself ready to let go.

I move my free hand to his hair. I grip a handful and pull his lips to mine. Forcefully I kiss him. I feel his hips buck wildly into my fist. He grips my hair with his free hand. He's jerking me faster. Our kiss breaks. "Oh shit Sammy! I'm cumming!"

"Me too!"

Sam bites my shoulder again and soon he cums all over my hip and fist. His grunts and moans of pleasure are the best, but his face was worth waiting for. He looked me in the eye as he went over the edge. I went over the edge with him.

"Oh Sammy!" I cum a lot. Thrusting up into his hand. My hips lifting off the bed. His eyes squinting in pleasure and love as he comes undone. My whole being shatters around him and he knows it. He claimed me with that bite of his and our mutual climax. I'm so satisfied by that.

We catch our breath as I use my shirt to clean our messes.

"You finally made me yours, huh Sammy?" I kiss him and pull him over to my chest.

He grins as he touches his bite mark on my shoulder. "Yep. You're mine."

I smile wide. "Yep."

He sighs and snuggles up to me. "I'm jealous."

"Yeah. My dick is bigger than yours." I laugh.

He sits up. "Is not!" He laughs and smacks my chest.

"Ouch!" I rub my chest as I laugh.

He kisses my chest then explains. "I'm jealous because your progenitor was a great master of spells and knew all the secrets in this bunker. Your genetic make up is amazing Dean! You always saw yourself as a grunt, but look at your legacy."

I shake my head. "He was a heretic that killed people. He created that Werther Box that killed that whole family, 2 fellow Men of Letters and almost had you kill yourself. Sure he created the magic this bunker is protected with, but look at what he did to my birth mom. To your biological brother."

"Dean, if my bio-brother had stayed, I might already be dead still because of Jake...no, I might have died on one of the hunts dad took us on as kids. There were a couple of times you saved my life before I turned 12. So, I think it worked out for the best. Wait, I also read that Cuthbert Sinclair was a descendant of William Wallace! You are too!! Ha!"

"Seriously?! I can't believe it." I suddenly get quiet. So does Sam.

Sam says what I'm thinking. "Charlie would have loved that."

I hug Sam. "I miss her."

"Me too."

I grab the bottle of whiskey off the nightstand. I raise it high. "To Charlie. The queen of Moondore!" I take a swig off the bottle and pass it to Sammy.

He raises it. "To Charlie! The greatest Woman of Letters ever." Then he drinks several swigs.

I take the bottle and put it back on the night stand. "We need to sleep. I plan on making you waffles, eggs and coffee in the morning... afternoon." We both laugh.

I pull Sam onto my chest. I kiss him with all the fire that's still burning for him in my soul. "Even though we're technically no longer brothers, you're still my baby brother. Don't you forget it."

"Yes Dean." He yawns big and it's adorable.

"Most important, because we're not brothers, we're lovers. I'm your man. So, don't you forget it." I kiss my Sammy.

"Best of both worlds. Balance. Got it." He snickers.

"You're still ticklish huh?" I go for his knees.

"Dean no! I want to sleep!" He tries batting my hands away while laughing.

"Sleep? Who needs sleep?" I find the back of his knee and he starts laughing hard. I love it!

#celebratingsam 52.Sleepless/Emotional


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